Bill Gates / Jesus cartoon

you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to thehospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy
tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour
and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might
as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the
path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this – scroll down)






















God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The Story of Motumbo

Motumbo was a tall black African, who just arrived (illegally) in London.
Mary was an English Lady - young, tall, blond, blue eyes and very refined.

They met each other in South Kensington,
(where Motumbo was selling sunglasses),

and they fell in love.

Mary was so impressed that she wanted to introduce Motumbo to her Father.

The Father, an English Lord, was furious, and tried without success to break up the happy couple.

In the end, the Father wanted Motumbo to prove himself,
so he agreed to the marriage on a few conditions:
The first being an MBA from Harvard.

Motumbo went to Harvard, and studied furiously, and in 6 months he received his MBA.

"Motumbo loves Mary, Motumbo study."

The father is very surprised so he gives him his second condition:
To earn 1 Million Dollars in one month.

With his contacts through his MBA, Motumbo went to Wall Street,
worked like a Trojan, and came back after 1 month with 1 Million Dollars.

"Motumbo loves Mary, Motumbo worked."

The Father doesn‘t have any more ideas….suddenly he has a brilliant idea….
And that if Motumbo wants to marry his daughter,
he must have a penis that is one metre long to keep her eternally happy.

"Motumbo loves Mary, Motumbo will shorten."

Motumbo after cutting:

So the father had no options but to give his blessing and.....

"Mary loves Motumbo, forever and ever"